i may be the most inept chorister you've ever seen. unless you haven't seen me, in which case you will have to imagine.
if you sing in a choir, or go to church, you may have heard that the chorister gives the organist cues, such as: what tempo to play, when to play the down beat, etc. this is not so! the chorister is the organist's puppet!*
*and when i say "puppet," it should be read as a polite word that takes the place of what i actually am to the chorister. again, you have to imagine. (i'll give you a hint. it's a five letter word that rhymes with--which key are we in again?)
our church organist is a truly gifted musician. she therefore has opinions that i do not question. she chooses the hymns. and i completely understand that she chooses obscure hymns not to torture me in front of hundreds, but to stretch our musical range and appreciation of the hymnal canon. and yet.
listen, i know my place. i stand up there and try not to flash anyone despite Liv's best attempts to disrobe me between songs, and i wave my hand back and forth. sometimes i hit on the right rhythm and we all just sail along. sometimes i pretend i had to swat a mosquito or wave to someone in the back, but really i just don't know how to do two things at once: stare at weird things people are doing in the congregation and also lead the hymns.so i've have adopted a new goal, and that is to entertain. it's very simple. i'm like that weather girl who never studied meteorology, and who makes everybody sort of cock their head to one side and say, hm, does she know she's wearing that?
i am not a soprano, nor really an alto (because you can't really call yourself an alto if the only way you can find the alto note is to stand next to someone who's singing it really loud and then try to blend in, can you?). most of all, i'm not a soloist. basically i'm just a turd up there.one of the things i like to imagine as i stand there, is what the bishopric is thinking. because if i were them, overhearing my quavering sopralto voice, i would be thinking of that beautiful (not) quaker hymn, 'how can i keep from singing?' and i would think, lady, it's easy. you should try it.
today we sang a hymn whose verses are printed in this order: 1.2.5.3.4. you might wonder why this was so. as do i.
16 comments:
You are so funny Krista. I am horrible at anything that involves music. So if I was watching you I would have no clue if you were doing something good or bad. Does that make you feel better? I didn't think so.
P.S. FHE singing time is really funny at our place. Remember that Travis is very musical. Sometimes he gives me a funny look, that is when I know when to just quit singing.
Prison had ruined the way you talk!
I hate leading, and so can imagine just how you feel while you are up there. At least you are trying to have a good time. And trust me, no one really watches, except the uppity musical people who are watching just to see if you are doing it correctly, and who cares about them, right?
*I also can't sing alto without having someone next to me doing it :)
Krista, I am so feeling your pain. Fortunately, I only have to be chorister for the Primary kids. But this is almost as bad because our pianist is, shall we say, rusty. Which means if she hits a bad note, so do I. Its hilaarrrioous. And I'm glad to know that there is a name for what I sing - sopralto is a perfect description.
But this is not all. I also have to occasionally fill in as organist. To put it mildly, the organ is not my forte. You may guess from this comment, that our ward is currently short of musical talent. At this point, I think we could barely form a basketball team. And we would never, never, play the finals!
But if it is any comfort, nobody actually watches the chorister anyway. In act, my husband actually falls asleep during the singing. Just saying . . .:)
I'm still laughing over this one! Have you ever realized that you could probably actually spin around slowly while you are waving your arm and no one would notice? I've wondered that many a time. I think you should try it. And if you need to stop leading in order to really take in some weird thing someone is doing in the congregation, that's totally fine. Priorities.
i truly appreciate your kind words of comfort, but if it's really true that no one is watching, then why is everyone i look at GRINNING BACK AT ME?
is it because i'm naked? IS IT?!
Best Sunday night EVER! I just read Shawn's blog then yours and all the comments. And I'm bustin' up. Tears, man! You and my sista is tied fo da go' mehddo in dis even'.
I loves me some good funny people!
I'm going to be re-reading this one over and over. Hilarious!
in our last ward in Portland, the chorister was hilarious. She was this woman in her 70s who wore makeup like unto Tammy Faye Baker, a wig, and clothes right out of the 80s. Maybe you should try that? Although she was a horrible chorister. Made us slow down all dramatic-like at the end of each verse. We had one rogue organist who wouldn't have that and just never slowed down. You should have seen the look on the chorister's face. Priceless.
LOL- I love it. I'm going to have to go to your ward just to see you lead.
I got called to be the choir director one time. I think the Bish was out to lunch on that one. I'm not very musical, I didn't even know that there were different parts we were supposed to sing.
oh, i am enjoying all of these chorister anecdotes! who knew the stand of shame was stood by so many before me?
i think my finest moment was when i took ally up with me because bim had to take liv out and she *promised* to sit quietly on the stand. what she really did was hike up her dress and try to climb the gate around the podium, then run up, down and through the seats behind the bishopric. good, good choices.
my nursery leader partner just told me today, that ours just doesn't show up anymore, and another gal just has to run up there and do it. i guess you could try that, and the see if they appreciate you more!! i didn't even notice that she had not been showing up though, so it tells you how much i pay attention.... i think my nursery partner just notices because she was the chorister just before she was put in nursery.
i bet ally was just as fun to watch as you!! what part of you did liv actually undress? that could depend on why or how many people are staring at you!!
"For All the Saints" is always an adventure!
When I subbed for you a few weeks back I was so proud of myself for timing the cutoff at the end of the verse somewhat close to when she stopped playing the organ. Hang in there!
If you come to my house I'll teach you how to lead! Please come, you can even bring the munchgins!
I love leading the music! When in doubt lead 2/2, like you're drawing a cresant moon with you hand.
oh sherry, i love you (she says through laughter tears)
Just had to make another commment. My music fear manifests itself every time someone in our ward or stake announces that Leisha Geddes will perform a musical number following the speaker, or lead the choir at stake conference. What?! My heart takes a mighty leap and my pulse accelorator gets stuck to the floor. When you're not paying super close attention Leisha (rhymes with Nicea) Geddes (pronounced Geddiss)sounds an AWFUL lot like Nicea Gedicks. One woman even came up to me after stake conference last month and asked me how I was related to the woman who directed the choir and led the music. When she saw that it wasn't me who stood up to do the music, she thought I must be related to said person because we had the same name.
And yeah. That crescent moon thingy sounds like a good idea.
Reading all the new comments this morning and laughing all over again! My favorite is the rogue organist! The reason people are grinning back at you is because you are so DANG cute, duh! Which is another reason you don't need to know what you're doing. People love to look at a pretty face regardless of what the right arm doeth.
wv=nariftic: You are nariftic!
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