'Tis the night before Christmas vacation. Bim came home from work and we did a little happy dance while Ally looked on from her high chair. Her face is very expressive and when we're acting strangely I see a spectrum of emotions pass over her, as if she's not sure whether to be delighted or afraid. Just to be safe, she laughs and then cries a little.
I know the feeling. Lately I've been staying up a bit too late. I get all wound up with holiday excitement and (admit it) tension after long days of running around "getting stuff done." At night I just have to sit for a while. Wednesday night I was doing my sitting in front of the TV wishing for a nice holiday movie, preferably something in black and white. No luck. Instead, what I got was "The Real Housewives of Orange County." Have you seen this show? If you had, would you admit it? Trust me, it will really bum you out.
After about 30 seconds I knew it wasn't going to make me happy. After about 5 minutes, I was sick at heart. Why take it so seriously? I guess because these unwitting scapegoats of our consumer culture represented more to me than self-indulgent ciphers looking for 10 minutes of fame (apparently oblivious to the fact that the rest of the world is laughing at them). They reminded me in a very ugly way of myself, minus the makeup. I've never wanted to become so attached to material things that I rely on them for happiness. But I have to confess: when I am feeling low or inconvenienced by the necessarily tedious parts of my life, my first thought is usually, 'what can I buy to fix this feeling?' Then I buy something my grandmother or mother would never have wasted money on. Then I regret it. And then...like a dog to its vomit...I do it again.
So maybe my materialism is small-time. But maybe it's not. I could go on...(I haven't even mentioned the third world, or the poor in our own country) but tonight I am going to just say NO! No more stuff!Okay, let's be practical.
Christmas may be commercialized beyond recognition in the department stores, but as a worthy holiday, I celebrate it. For me, Christmas provides a much-needed platform for reconsidering what is important. I had a wake-up call this week and I think the feeling in my stomach is going to stick with me at least through the first months of 2008.
And so, with these small thoughts, good night friends and family. If you are reading this, Merry Christmas. Thank you for all the holiday cards, emails, phone calls and good thoughts. Those acts are everything. I love you.
Some of my favorite things that Ally does at age 1: